Si niw I said that I would be his fruend fire er and with that, im o.k. I need to do that. Doing so, it began to dawn on me why my husband is who he is. Mine was in the beginning, then less and then gone. Have much to learn! The only way to reach someone like this is through the pain of consequence. He has not moved onto another relationship, though I suspect he uses porn as comfort. But recently it has about chewed me up and spit me out. That being said, we do know that narcissism is a behavior that can be reinforced or discouraged by the environment. I know separating would be devastating for him, I believe him to be a vulnerable person without support. . Thank you to all the people who have made comment on this site, it sure has opened my eyes. Our entire marriage he has NEVER taken responsibilty for anything. Our whole program is about you becoming authoritive and able to take the lead effectively. I bought your book about 18 months ago, started working on myself and learning how to deal with a man like him and, and I am thrilled to say, we have both made major progress. Thank you Kim and Steve for your inspirational insights Im trying to hang in there!!!! A lot of friends think he is amazing although a lot of friends see through him now. Then the row would be about him trying to leave not about the original subject which was over and done with already. He started calling another woman before he left. Ironic, isnt it, how many stories there are and yet in the midst of such circumstances we can feel so isolated. Kim, do you think your husband had to do something similar when he learned how to be more accountable? Yes, he blamed me for ruining our relationship. Ive told him a ton of times, it takes two and there I go again pointing out the hurtful things he did. She calls every email I send her Diatribes which tells me 1) she doesnt give a good rats ass about my feelings or opinions 2) dismisses my opinion yet expects me to hear her out every time!If I told you everything about our relationship I would write a 10 volume encyclopedia! that is healthy and will treat her right. He of course will not go seek help remember there is nothing wrong with him just the whole world. I dont allow myself to be in the position of bad guy these days. You say your marriage cannot be annulled and your husband doesnt qualify for Divorce. When you have someone who repeatedly lies to you, who frequently doesn't care about your feelings or how their actions hurt you, who cheats on youthis is where we have to come in and make them accountable because they're not going to do it on their own. Going from being a family to no barely no communication at all had started to confuse me and my daughter who longed to spend time with N who a month ago and a half ago started talking about reconciling, but suddenly as of a month ago, became evasive, unresponsive, and completely absent from the family life we created. If you want to forge a new path you must vow not to get stuck in those endless hours anymore. Whatever you do you need to make sure you are safe. He even said I love you so muchwhat? You cannot decide what they will do and if they ask what you want you need to be ready to say, It appears he is having severe withdrawals and if his medication is not monitored more closely I am concerned about what may result.. Keep in mind that narcissism ranges from self-centeredness and other narcissistic traits to NPD. A prolific multi-media content innovator, Kim has created and shared a library of articles and multi-media educational tools including radio shows, Its pathetic and he totally blinds everyone what a user he is. So, in a way, it is a choice. I dont know what else to do. You had your kids, myself and my kids, who all cared about you and loved you, but you, are incapable of caring and loving, I feel so very sorry for you. Some days I am so glad that he is gone I could scream others days I really miss his presence not him. He may not be a gambler but your situation is similar. Ive learned a lot from this website, emails and posts. Still not enough he then decided to leave on New Years eve to go with his daughter to Hastings (leaving me alone and my daughter with her dad) but months later I realized he went with his ex wife and daughter to Hastings because he couldnt cope with my outbursts. This is hell. How to Hold a Narcissist Accountable One of the most frustrating things about living, loving or working with a person with the signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be their lack of accountability. This can be extremely frustrating and took me a long time to learn how to deal with and I want to share what I have learned about dealing with this today. Your solutions have always been the right way to handle my N husband. But I cant call the police, or the doctor, or even the priest, and say my husband said hed call me but he didnt and he got mad at me when I expected him to be sorry about that or My husband laughed at my idea like it was ridiculous. You are right when you say talking does no good. Unfortunately he died 2 years ago. I felt I was losing grip on life and sanity and didnt realise his constant insinuations and paranoid comments were pushing me there. I am done beating my head into a wall. And talk about the blame. He does need to learn that there are natural consequenses for his actions and that I will not always bail him out. Just as long as I stick to my boundaries. Ive analyzed this thing a zillion times, gone to therapy, gone to grief groups and have come to the conclusion that Im just going to accept that I call him. My head understands that his efforts and love were nothing but manipulation. So hard to get out of my marriage for many reasons. I understand why women with children with the narcissist stay with the NPD because of the children hoping things will change and get better, they have committed to marraige and family. I insulted him, I judge him, I made his life miserable for some time. Does this include rape? 2. Narcissists: The Master Manipulators 29 years has taken its toll, it is not easy at all trying to get mentally healthy myself, while protecting myself from further hurt from my husband. I wonder if there are any young men out there who have made a relationship work with a NPD young lady I feel with love and support from friends and family there must be a chance, I would appreciate any advice like most people who deal with this personality type as a mother I have been to hell and back, as well as most advice saying basically its my fault shes like this. I will pray for you! Also, please get Kim & Steves ebooks Back From The Looking Glass, The Love Safety Net Workbooks, and 10 Steps To Overcome Co-dependence. He owes me money and keeps asking for more. 10 Ways A Narcissist Reacts When You Try To Hold Them Accountable. Talking down to people is rarely persuasive no matter how superior you feel your position to be. It is our lively hood. Are you familiar with co-dependence? He is a textbook case. I am so sorry to hear this Aspen, This is why we put so much stress on you being calm and very careful in how you approach the police. It just goes to show that there are no single answers. Narcissists love a good fight and not because they are any good at arguing but they know how to push your buttons. Hey Welcome Cheryl and good job surviving the hell you were raised in, it is tough when we end up having to parent ourselves. 5 Stay calm when they try to upset you. I know that something good will come out of this for everyone. It was days later that I discovered the truth after he got drunk and sent me my pics in a textsbut he of course had no idea how he got my pics??!!! Kim, you also say about leaving accountability to others. Oh, this one is huge. I believe he is verbally and emotionally abusive. Thank you again. He would not be remotely aware of his behavior while leaving. This had 2 effects. You are correct that there is no point in arguing but that does not mean he will never understand it was wrong. All the Best! She loves me for a mattervof time, its all good, but then hates next, the patterns are the same, im close to divorseN her, almost went to family courts, just to set the boundaries the she refuses to have.. And priorites.its 6 years yesterday, I mean, shes in and then out of my life, the love of my life ..yall pray for me Pray for us. Nar may never learn, but they will pay for their mistakes at their own hand. Work on attachment and boundaries (there are defined in The Love Safety net Workbook) before you think about forgiving and the new church sounds great just give it some time. Being home is so draining. Thank you so much for all your hard work in getting the word out about NPD/co-dependency and a way to work through a marriage and not just run away from it. He was smart knew the language to make him look sincere.and maybe a piece of him wanted to be. Im very happy that things have worked out in your marriage. So then, you cannot hold someone accountable who will not be held accountable. Hi. I will try the technic to make someone else be the bad guy, but I dont know if I may have waited to long. There are times I just want to say enough! He had to pay several fines and now faces jail. I think its sad actually what Im doing and yet, since I once had so much joy in relating to him and he was so much fun in the first five years, a long honeymoon period, that at night I miss our talks since he and I used to talk almost every night. Now, with the knowledge of what shes doing, I will never try to make sense of her, just my reaction to her. Another reveals the. Your response was that he is a teenager and eats a lot and that it would create more work and trouble. I set limits and gave consequencesif this happens then this other thing will happen. . They intercept a forward progress. Someone experiencing narcissistic rage may feel that someone else or an event in their life is threatening or may injure their self-esteem or self-worth. Keep in mind that you earn more than I do and that I am raising two children. He decided to stay with me, but know the affair is just another tool for him to use to punish me. I pray for him and work with him now As much as I can and as lovingly as I can. When he was alcholic and drunk he would do the stupid lying stuff, but when sober and caught he could at least give bits of the truthwho knows. This is craziness! The kids are terrified of him due to the many dangerous situations he put them in (drIving drunk, putting an apple on their head and prentending to throw an apple at their heads, forgetting one of the kids when he would leave to go get more beer, exposing them to porn, girlfriends jewelry, etc., etc.). Thankfully, I can now see the forest for the trees and can see his manipluation and deceit for what they are. So many times he had me convenced that I am the crazy one, when contridicting himself, lying, when all the while the intuition told me, I should trust my instincts to believe him, so I blindly trusted him to find out I was lied to over and over again. I did go to counseling but he wouldnt go, after cancer treatment, diagnosis, physical abuse,life of pornography and affairs. If a narcissist does something inappropriate and you put up the emotional stop sign or hold them accountable legally, they will get mad at YOU and claim that they are being "attacked.". I would like to approach him out of concern and not as a bully. Being stern long term will probably only result in you damaging your attachment. He has been paying for his share of the utilities so that I give him credit for but everything else is pretty much up to me. Hey Welcome Radioactive and perfectly said! 10) When it was time to renew our lease, which was possible, because I had found a great roommate and she wanted to stay another year. Why do feel the need to write and give him this or, of the sort, letter? I loved him so much and I am still involved with him to an extent as we share property and pets. I need to know how to respond or do I respond? i cant see them. It has me thinking but in my case, I would say that I had the opposite experience. 11 Ways to Confuse and Disarm a Narcissist. Im hoping to share and hear more with everyone. Be the happy person you were meant to be and fear nothing! In the meantime you need better security on your house so he cannot break in. I immediately confronted that thought. You need to send this to his doctor and also CC someone else as a witness. He is already beginning to poison them as punishment or me. A thought becomes action. Being involved/loving a highly Narcissistic person is the most draining, devestating rape of your life, soul, family, work, financials etc. How can I ever trust that this isnt the beginning of another end? I wish people would wake up. I assume there are different degrees of narcissismand though my wife doesnt do some of the more egregious behaviors many of you are dealing with, she is a text-book narcissist in her inability to accept accountability or in any way see the world through eyes or perspectives other than her own. Real trust is earned and not given anyway and so no you shouldnt trust him yet, things need to be set up now so there is complete transparency. I finally found an article about STOCKHOLM SYNDROME. As my counselor said, he wont change, but as I change he will either adjust or leave. They dont out run their lessons. And I wonder if you may be co-dependent if it is not merely the grieving process of a break up. Because of this its probably best to not even try! It will put all of these blog pages, information, and the events and/or what is happening within your life into a healthier perspective. Kim first let me say thank you for being the only voice that says it is possible to stay with a Narc I ordered Back from the Looking Glass I was hiding it as I was reading it but he found it and boy was he livid to put it mildly after being subjected to a horrible rage episode I put it down for a while and felt a bit hopelessIll spare you all the gory details weve all heard them before but my breaking point came when he put my son out (who suffers from depression) and I told him I would be leaving also but that I would come back on weekends I just needed to be able to think clearly while not being subjected to his tyranny under the same roof with him everyday. I want the real man. When I speak up he makes me out to be the crazy one! He knew it would be very hard for me to obtain a job in Germany. After a while and much anger being vented by both sides we tried to work on it and I immediately thought I had reacted badly and apologized for my slighted messages. Ohhh my God- I wish I had found this website and this article in the early stages of my marriage. The exercises in The Love Safety net Workbook will help you with this but ultimately you have done the right thing to call his bluff and hold your ground. They are experts at playing with feelings and getting what they want, and you are the one who pays while you self-esteem continues to diminish. You found it on the floor and because you were mad at me you threw it in the trash. Hi Kim It is very important that you put all of the steps in Back From the Looking Glass in place. He makes real good money but tells me he works his ass off for me because I quit my job and hurt us. It disgusts me. Please come and visit our homepage. Later that day he comes home and tells me what a nice lady she is and he had a good conversation with herwait a minuteshe called him while he was busy at work, misinformed him saying it bounced, he gets all snappy with me and he calls her back all nice with an answer that I providedI feel like he is always the good guy with everyone else, never wants to look bad in front of anyone and yet I know the real him. It is not a control issue, but a stress reliever for your soul. He moved in with me after 2 weeks dating. Narcissistic behavior on the job can arise at any time, with troubling results. Any suggestion would be great 2) The reverse discard and the grey rock method. Once you obtain that, the cloud hoovering overhead will become smaller and smaller the sense of freedom and relief will ease and bring peace to your heart, mind, soul, and with Kim & Steves teachings overcoming our own gap work will ease putting strong boundaries in place. I have become physically ill from this(lungs). Be strong and dont give up or give in. Hi Kate That is a great question. He is so good with her, and loves him just as much as he loves herand I hate to give up on him because I believe there is a really good man in there, I am just trying to reach him. In this situation the priority is on setting boundaries. He even told the marriage counselor he couldnt promise (an affair) wouldnt happen again! I thank you Kim for all of your words and information. 2. I know its not funny, but I know why the sales agent hung up. This keeps the people that are suing him, unable to take his business.Im scared to death to put my name on a business that he has any control over! This is possibly the most important thing you can do as you learn how to be the asshole when co-parenting with a borderline or narcissist. Hold yourself accountable. This guy is gone, not one word said to me in 1 1/2 years after he ended it and told me he wanted to get rid of me for a long time., The things youre teaching I could apply if there was ever any other relationship, but, they seem extremely difficult since its such a strong tendency to want to point out their behavior and to explain mine. Kim writes a lot about taking care of yourself emotionally and physically and I couldnt agree with her more. It is always me. They say they are sensitive, but the behavoir is undermining and abusive and can rip a person to pieces, even if they keep their cool, underneath that one can see that they are seething, but they will never admitt it. Who will love him if I do not? Im tired of trying to fix this marriage. I tried techniques to try and hold him accountable for his actions sadly your article has come too late cos he stormed off again the other day. This is going to be quite interesting to get a hold of. But when I wasnt getting what he said he got totally and completely frustrated with me, said he didnt have time for this crap in his day so I offered to call her back and handle it and he refused said he would call. I wonderedWhat do you think would happen if 2 narcissist got together as a couple? And I just been letting get away with these destructive things. I am still married and my husband and i are now really good friends so that had a happy ending. They are perfect for him.his puppets. Im at a loss. Hi Butterfly and welcome (-: I understand your feelings entirely but here on this blog we do try and leave the decision to stay or go up to peoples own hearts if only because it is one of the very few places people who dont want to separate can come to get help. To reject a narcissist means you are rejecting the false self they have so carefully constructed to impress you. So why not work on this relationship now that I can him for what he really is, instead of waiting another 4 years to find out I am just now seeing the same traits in someone new? I now remove myself from bad behaviour , when possible. You have given so much to him you have to give back to yourself now so you can heal. What are they gonna do? When I downloaded the book I had hope. Giving him boundaries didnt help him and made him feel more alone. )0: he is travelling so often, it is always possible to lead me on! Aue, what to do when theres a little one involved? One of the big problems for me, is my own sarcasm of others, when it comes to this sickness. Im wondering if youve looked at all angles? a discussion ,and Therefore he responds by attacking me which makes him feel superior. A parable says, A leach has two sisters. I wish you both good luck . A month ago he started calling me and emailing me telling me how much he loves me and wants to get back together. I also wonder why you have chosen to avoid his affection in the past? Catherine, Just reading all these responses it seems most of the sufferers of this kind of narcissistic abuse are females, and that most abusive narcissists are males; although Im sure there must also be male sufferers of female Ns too.. I was not a good wife, or mother, so on etc. I was thinking and came up with. Thankfully I know that he didnt reject me because of who I am but discarded me because of who he is! and yet, he BLAMES ME and texted me just the other day about how hurt and angry he is. Ive been married 6 yrs but only been going thru this for about 2 yrs. Yes I have been working at making our home and relationship safe and secure thanks to the information that you provide and I can see a definite change in my husband. Moved in with me and 6 months later started choking me, beating me, humiliating and belittling. By respecting my emotional, mental, physical health, financials, relationships with others, mature consequence based choices..it became very easy to see, that at no point, was tolerating this persons selfish, cruel, abusive, irresponsible and dangerous bullsh*t, a correct choice in any way shape or form. Ann, I hear ya on missing the good. The only thing thats good about these types, is getting rid of them, knowing throughout their life, everyone else will dispise them too, sooner or later. And even hope disappears into the sea blindness. By pushing your buttons you are tempted to verbally protect yourself. But narcissists do not like that idea. Being a mom and knowing how much she had been through and not seeing you, I told you that was wrong and that I would buy her something. Him. Leave, and dont look back. Apologies, crying baby, spelling mistakes and unfinished sentences above. It is the hardest thing in the world to accept that the person we love is just not capable of loving. And do narcissists project more than the average bear? I have not used these technics as of yet. I said that I would speak for him and get the whole world off his back and all he had to do was be quiet and useful and learn what it was like at home with him not around. Perhaps your local mental health team? Its not a break up. You simply say I did nothing you deal with it, its your problem. I think however there are differences in people with npd. There is NOTHING you can do and even attempting to manage is not worth the headache and most times doesnt work anyways. The person that I speak of is the worse case of spiritual soul sickness that I have ever encountered in my nearly 60 years of life and nothing that anyone does can do anything more than put up with for a time until in the end, she gets worse than she was when she was the worse the last time. I dont understand why someone that doesnt have that connection stays, there are other fish in the sea you can find love you can find someone who is healthy and please dont bring your children into a narcissist relationship that is so selffish and unfair to them it hurts my whole soul to think about it.
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