Good enough. friend/person/both: Im in the worst fucking mood and heres why. In the age of smartphones I also often find that my calendar is inside the device Im holding up to my ear In theory I could ask them to pause the conversation while I check the calendar, but I havent yet found a script to actually get them to stop talking while I do that. I really enjoyed my years living in the American South, but I realized the day would never come when I wouldnt be seen as an outsider. I have not observed him asking this many questions to other bank customers, not that I hang out in there much, and maybe they give him more satisfactory/interesting answers). The asker might want the invitee to give some input on what theyd like to do, but thats not the same as expecting them to do all the planning. It always made me think I looked tired or upset or maybe there was something wrong with my hair, because its the sort of thing I would only ask a friend/acquaintance/student if it seemed like they were distressed. How am I right now? By formal invitation, Im not necessarily meaning an engraved invitation, like for a wedding or other fairly formal event. Theres also nothing wrong with the sitting alone in the dark rocking back and forth, it just seemed a good description of the void my mother thinks no plans equals. Can you do me a favor? @mangosteeen, I would pay money to see Nosy Tellers face if you were to tell him you were flying to the moon some weekend! If those people have sufficient ability to cause difficulty or danger if they are displeased, it may not be advisable to say to them but not because it it rude; because those people cause problems when things dont go their way. Yes, this. Also, if you want people to drop the polite social conventions and be direct with youmaybe try directly telling them this? This is how I deal with it: Everyone knows most people mean it well, its small talk, etc but these things ARE not nice to be the receiver of. People here may be disagreeing that it should be a normal social rule, but if you change your behavior to meet that, youll be wrong by other standards. TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. You? and see if he gets stuck in a loop. It takes a bit of confidence to state clearly and categorically what you want and then ask someone else to join in that thing, and not everyone has that degree of confidence. My introvert self doesnt like last-minute extroverting.). Be polite. Youve made such a long-term investment in your child already why put the future relationship at such risk? It helps that shes not as tech savvy, so I can get away with the excuse of well my calendar is on my phone and I cant check it at the same time as talking on the phone, even though I can, she doesnt know that. Being a grown up with a family, studies and a job, friends and hobbies my life is often busy and so is my friends so we often use this website https://doodle.com/ but then people always know what kind of an event we are trying to schedule. It gives the impression that Id rather do nothing than spend time with you or help you with something (which may very well be true, but is often not a conversation worth having). All of these situation have the same question in them, but they are not remotely all one situation. Oh my goodness I didnt even realize this was posted and then it took awhile for me to read through all of the responses. Apparently, social people use this question as a test to see if you are really one of them. Cause you dont have to find out if Im busy BEFORE inviting me to something or asking me for a favor. I think LW is unable to separate people doing something that they personally find annoying, and people intentionally trying to annoy them. But, in the long run, in my life, I think the conflict over emotional labor and fair division of chores, while sometimes painful and frustrating, was something we were able to move past when I moved out because I never felt unsafe. Trying to remember the name of that weird person you remind me of. Published on August 6, 2022. And sometimes its due to the other person not grasping the soft no/non-answer to drop the conversation (generally people I am not already friends with, like the one bank teller who keeps on asking* and that I do find nosy/irritating). I have friends who do that, along with a SIL, and I also find it stressful/annoying. If the emphasis is on you its just a greeting. So yeah, I feel that part too. It shows that you're a calm and cool person who is easy to talk to and has no problem whether someone says hey or hello. Its a way of saying I enjoy spending time with you in a general sense, but without any plans to actually do that. I can get behind being annoyed with the sister whos trying to manipulate her into babysitting, but I think theyre reading a lot into the question when its being asked casually. There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. I have strong memories of my MIL telling my husband, shortly after wed married, I need you to clean out the gutters. Or maybe you need to come this weekend and clean out the gutters. I really minded that! I prefer living and working in places with a major international contingent for that reason so that different is what is normal. Its okay that sometimes my anxiety is bad. More detailed/truthful responses are typically only shared with close friends or family. Me:why? I have done that just doing errands/washing the car/housekeeping/taxes/library/walking the dog you? and still gotten a but are you doing anything FUN follow-up question(s). Thaaats what Im telling myself about my children anyway. There is literally a meme that says When you ask me what Im doing today and I say Nothing, it does not mean Im free. Id be open to a one-on-one hangout but just out of energy for any group thing, if thats why youre asking laundryall the laundry. But a couple people have African-violeted me over this. If you have people in your life who you trust not to get offended at this exchange, definitely give this method a try. I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. We should hang out sometime soon! Is something I expect people to either reply yeah that would be fun or ignore/tell me theyre swamped but wish they could do as a no. Your radishes that you consider joint family radishes because everyone could eat them? Later the grad students said the table turned to remarking on the professor as soon as she was out of earshot, including their surprise that she could be a professor of engineering. People use it for all sorts of reasons. Thats a very uncomfortable and isolating feeling. Ive learned also that its ok to be a deer in the headlights if Im caught off guard bc I can always invent something shortly after or next day and say whoops forgot I had x. It's time to break the silence and let her know that she shouldn't be nosing into your business when her life isn't anything special. I am eating. We teach children that they must answer questions put to them by adults, that they have no choice in the matter. I would actually be pretty weirded out by a friend who a) felt this was genuinely intrusive BUT b) also would not actually tell me they felt this was too intrusive. A: Thanks, you too. It happens every time I get him as a teller. D- Dearest relaxing days. UGH. Hah. If it is in fact a lead up to an invitation or request I can always either find room for it or say I dont have time. Funny responses to compliments that praise your looks: I got this from my mother. It is trickery and so frustrating. I have actually thought about writing in about this one as well. But it needs to be a set rent, that can be codified and set down in a form you could use with any other adult, should the fancy take you. I usually respond Why do you need to know? unless its someone I really trust. What are you doing Thursday? Ive learned a lot of strategies.). The other day I got into this conversation with a mum I have to say mum colleague rather than mum friend, because her kid is in the same class as my kids and we seem to hang out quite a lot but shes an extreme extrovert and I am really not, and I see more of her than I would really choose to if I had to seek her out. I dont worry when people say no to me either. Born and bred in southern California, how are you? asked of/by a stranger functions, for me, like any scripted greeting, pretty comparable to an all right with or without the interrogative in that a detailed (or even particularly honest) response is not expected and in many cases wont be acknowledged because it wont be heard (because no one is listening for it). Like I said, you know the people and the situation better than I, an Internet Stranger, do. Also, that is very common; very few people I know can really remember everything they are doing for months ahead. Good, looks like the flowers are coming out (in Spring) Any request for someones time, regardless of the setting of the fun variable in your mind. I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. So that golden rule requires a bit of pre-invitation sounding-out. That would have been a really frightening prospect for me. after reading a ton of CAs archives I feel comfortable telling people, Im up to nothing both Saturday and Sunday, and I CANNOT WAIT. When I am planning an event I usually offer a description of what I have planned first and then we move to scheduling but most of that is done in social media or by e-mail these days. So I love this response cuz its keeping it real! Just make sure to follow these three rules for sending Tinder messages: Keep it PG-13, even on Tinder. And then both go on to other things. Yeah, I ask this of people because Im making conversation! (Im looking at you, mom, and you too, aunt.). They say hey, and you reply with the same. Which has been said in other comments and is important enough to say again. Since youre not busy, do you want to go to [event] with me? Im right there with you. COME TO LOOSE PLAN HANGOUT THING THAT IM INVOLVED IN OR ELSE YOU MIGHT SHRIVEL AND DIE! and they had the best intentions. I went to a lot of meetings I did not want to go because of this, cause I pretty much was cornered into it after admitting I have not set plans.. But I like to think that Im better at saying no now, even though people do sometimes react badly. Its bugged me as an opener for a date until I found this phrasing. (Like, Im the kind of introvert who is good with people but I know a few who are just exhausting and who drain my battery super quickly), Could you have a conversation with her about, Were gonna have to schedule when all of our kids are walking to school. So the reframing may help. Is it just me? So of course, you tell her, youll all walk separately from now on (keep the cheery loud voice of happy certainty and smile hugely the whole time). I do have a preference for having the What are you up to Friday? question asked first though because I appreciate that they want to respect my schedulewhenever I book hangs with my good friends, we let each other know what blocks of time are going to be rough to fit each other into and know not to ping them too much during those times. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. (Like the How are you? inquiries) It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. But I think it tracks beyond that particular experience. Every girl loves the rebel without a cause. Absolutely! No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. I also see are you free Saturday? or What are you doing tonight? as potential traps and in part its because in college the manager of the dining hall I worked at would call, start with What are you doing tonight? and then argue that whatever I said was less important than covering a shift for someone. But if her idea is super cool or needs to be done on a certain date, Ill absolutely shelve my TV watching for another night! Reply with 'Hey' Back. +1, Im the same way. I read that post all the time. On the other hand, being around them makes my shoulders go up around my ears. Note that LW says when it comes to friend-peer interactions, its fine, other than reminding LW of the more problematic interactions. Like, you want to hang out with me, but dont want to ask me straight up. Can't complain. In conclusion the rules arent really all that different. If you cant imagine feeling the same way as the LW, that doesnt make the LWs feelings bad or less-than. Are you doing anything this Thursday night? whyyyy do you need to know? Im sure to him thats bewildering, but to me its bewildering that for so long he simply refused to choose to behave with appropriate respect. In this case it has the added benefit of short-circuiting the waiting for you to say nothing so I can guilt you into babysitting gambit. Here's the most obvious answer that no one can argue with. Opposite of what I want . Oh, yes, white supremacy/racism in action. The second interpretation of this question is, what are you doing in life? I usually just respond with I have tentative plans with a friend why do you ask? Lots of wiggle room there. So, sometimes it is a trap! Thats my go-to when someone asks me what I am doing at some point in the near future. And when I say angling, it might not be in a cornering way. It still feels awkward, even though I do not think she is trying to manipulate me or claim my time. [Note to my friend who also reads CA, this is not you ], I tend to do direct invites, sometimes with a range of possible dates, but I have occasionally done the We should do [X] sometime! and had months go by without getting around to organizing [X], even if Ive extended other invitations to the person also interested in [X]. This is absolutely true; it IS rude to put someone on the spot like that. People ask this to fill the time while standing at the break room microwave, not bc they want to trap you into revealing state secrets and hardcore kinks. Certain relatives. picked up a shift right off the bat. I then fully expect to be the person who takes the next step of saying yay! You: Oh, I have a few plans but Im free for the good stuff!. We can debate all day whether that should be true, but it is. I feel like its asking me to say yes or no to an invitation / commitment before I even know what it is (like, if youre having a party I might be free, but my babysitting quota is full for the month so no to that). It can mean I want to make plans if youre freewhich, for me at least, isnt so much plan it for me as planning is hard, lets establish if theres even an open time slot before we nail down the details. Id like to do a bit better with my own kids. Later that evening I find out through facebook that HE went out ice skating, with several of our friends, and he had never even mentioned to me that he was going, let alone asked if I wanted to come too! @freyasacksen I have a friend who will almost always respond with, Still alive. Always true. Nah, Why do you ask is generally pretty safe to take literally. For the record, I will totally cat-sit for you. If she has problems with overbearing family, then she needs to learn how to deal with overbearing family, but shes still gonna have to function at People Interactions 101, which includes whatre you doing this weekend., Its actually amazing how much supposedly required stuff you can avoid doing by just not doing it (sadly depending on your level of privilege; Im speaking from a white cis-woman perspective). Its not extreme when your life has several of those sharks who ask that just to trap you. Im surprised to find out this is annoying, I guess, because I am such a What are you up to this weekend? asker when I want to hang out. Because if she werent a family member, Id throw her out on her ear; she sure as hell wouldnt be in my home with all her stuff. My nos are not because I dont like you! Of course I only say that to the people I like lol. leaving them vulnerable to all kinds of predation as teens and young adults. So in the next day or two, perhaps on some morning when you leave your house and shes there waiting for you, you tell her, firmly but cheerily with giant beaming smiles that the morning walks will be separate from now on because those are for you to have conversation with your children. Probably just working on some homework. He said, Oh yeah? and just went on, no indication that he was asking for any reason other than general curiosity. Im much better at saying no now, and I realize that in most situations saying no is a perfectly socially acceptable answer. Probably so he can finish the conversation with enjoy [fun thing]. Indoor Cat raised some good points. Its a little more inconvenient to go to a different branch, but I do that sometimes, or mobile banking or attempt to time it so that I end up with another teller. Two main reasons that I can see: 1) They want to get to know you better and talking about how you like to spend your weekend is often a great way to do that. This is a whole lot easier to get if you see someone do it, but here goes: First of all, your manner while doing this will be constant big beaming smiles of absolute certainty, with big cheery extrovert gestures and rather loud but happy and beamingly-positive voice mannerisms. Example: What are you doing? On a walk with my dinosaur. not? People on a dating site who ask what youre up to on Thursday are not literally asking what youre doing Thursday. I dont know whether youre being too thoughtful or not thoughtful enough here. A question is not a legal summons, you can literally ignore it if you want! Might I suggest a they or a xie, my friend. Theyre couched as requests, and a truly good reason would be all the excuse we would need. LW specifically said that LW is not bothered by this in peer-friends. I recognize that the question can DEFINITELY be used to intentionally or unconsciously other people, Her problem with it seemed more about having to answer it ALL the time than any implied racism or xenophobia. In my case this is always 100% true because unless I literally have my calendar open in front of me I do not know what I am doing at literally any time on any day. Me: No can do. friend: yooooooooo goodyou Them: What are you doing this weekend? Another interesting look at how varied cultural/regional norms and peoples own experiences can be. When I tell you Ill be meal planning this weekend thats not an invitation for you to tell me all of your diet ideas and which meals are healthier. I have a rule of thumb for stuff like this, which is sometimes with a passive aggressive person, I just aggressively pretend they asked me a direct question or made a direct statement, and will respond as though they did. To those who suggested building better boundaries with my family: Good advice. Well see you at other times but this ones for us.. But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. What he sounds like to me is the dweebs in engineering school who would pull this routine. . You? Another option is to have certain chores that a certain person does (e.g. Sometimes I deal with anxiety all weekend and its hard not to judge myself for that. If its just a soft open to an invitation, you can be annoyed by it, or you can say, I dunno, you?. And its hard to argue with. You enjoy making this girl smile and make her day with your humor. Justit can be a lot sometimes. Born and raised in the US, and I also think this is a weird question not to answer literally. I didnt realize it until I noticed they were running a long-term experiment when they traveled of noting responses they said they like Canada and big chunks of northern and western US, because if they say theyre British, no one bats an eye despite their obvious Polish accents. Oh, stop it, will you? And I agree that literally saying No, I dont want to get to know you better is a bit off. This is true, but it will almost certainly come with a cost. I dont know? Try repeating Fine, thanks. Remember, . DP: No free time at ALL? To them I am this exotic other they feel entitled to treat in a certain way because their goodness and its expression is more important than my real and complex experience as a human being. Evenings and weekends may take us a little bit longer. This is another good and funny response to give to "whats up" because depending on who you say it to, they might find it to be relatable enough to laugh at. Sometimes friends do tell me theyre free, but if I suggest something, they might still say nah, not what I want to do this weekend and thats fine as well! My Kid: No (shuts door) as much as it is practicing not giving into pressure to give an explanation of your schedule OR an immediate answer. Tomorrow is the weekend! And then they get all pissy because the girl is taken aback by being asked out so abruptly by this guy about whom she knows pretty much nothing except his appearance. One thing I think might be getting lost a bit in the discussion is the distinction between asking What are you doing this weekend as small talk indicating Im interested in your life (e.g. In that case, if they have already said theyre free, they might feel trapped into saying yes; I know I would. Them: We should have lunch soon. This is where you really have to double down on the super-beaming positive manner of absolute assurance. You can be annoyed by a wide variety of people forever. My belief is that its easier to layer politeness onto a firm foundation of self-aware no than it is to find no after being trained to be obliging. What are you doing Saturday? might be an attempt to be extra polite about making an invitation, but it only works if the person wants to accept, and its only necessary if the person is too shy to say no. I actually trained my mother out of this question by responding to every vague What are you doing on X? by saying Tell me what you really want to know. Fortunately, my mother is a reasonable person who understands boundaries, and mostly just laughed and said Good point, Z is going on and Id like to go and wanted company. She also totally gets my introversion and that sometimes I dont have anything going on but Id still rather not do Z is a perfectly valid answer. She didnt have other plans; she just wanted to draw a line in the sand about him telling her what to do. Look who is talking. But I hate this because then I have to pretend to wait while I figure out if my original plans are going through before I give them an answer. So, since my unspoken fear in this situation is that Ill have revealed my availability for an activity I dont want to do and that Ill be too polite to outright say I dont want to go, I figured I might as well express it, even if jokingly. I read the question; did all of you who are saying its only about the manipulative cases? Some people here do not really do much small talk, so even asking How are you? might lead to a long description of ones health. How odd to be on both sides of this! What are you doing this weekend? I also find why do you ask? really handy as a polite way to signal someone is being nosy. I too have found that nobody seems offended if I respond with a cheerful: Why? Without answering their question at all. Theres nothing bad with setting them and enforcing them, and if youre dealing with people who cant respect them, the question itself is not the biggest problem in the relationship. Then, actually do check your calendar, check in with yourself if you actually want to do whatever it is, and answer the person when its convenient for you. All five are initial questions, appropriate for a relatively fast . I think we can get trapped in endless circles of soft invitations where neither person ever gets the push to move forward, so Ive tried to get more into the habit of being explicit about a desire for the other person to act. Getting this question still stresses me out because I feel like I have to work 100x harder to set and enforce said boundaries than if people just asked up front. after Ive made my piece clear. If I always have to be the one reaching out, that can feel either like the emotional and planning labor are being taken for granted, or like they dont actually care whether they see me. is how this has been explained to me, and it makes perfect sense. Tell me more! Of course I would never do this it would be returning the aggression but its a real puzzle to me. If ever there was a moment for the standard Wow script, this surely would be it. No useful data is exchanged, its just polite social grease to ease people along in their day without ignoring each other (which is definitely read as rude). Oh, the usual, you? Like "How are you?" can be asked formally and informally, the response of that can be a unique one, too. Updog. If people cant come, you still have plans with the one friend! The LW is getting socially trapped, and needs a selection of answers that are vague while also claiming her right to her time. I always answer with [local Canadian area], because its 1) true and 2) not at all the answer theyre fishing for (although I sometimes? Im a hardcore introvert, most of my plans are sitting at home, not doing anything in particular and if I answer the question truthfully, and then there comes the invitation, Im in a very tight spot because I already admitted that I dont have anything serious enough to warrant me declining the offer. Which for neurotypical types, is something that may not be hard to adapt to, but youre kind of being set up to failbecause that kind of question is exactly the kind of thing you would have been taught to do in kindergarten. Especially if I have reason to suspect its just going to be some variation of wanna hang out? if you have something concrete to suggest, lead with that! My usual caveat- I am a very private person who others sometimes describe as off-putting and I perform the expected feminine social role like an ill-fitting plastic Halloween costume. I feel like its somewhat related to not saying no also). - Joseph Addison - Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. Assholes. I like babies and pets just fine, but unless the baby is under a year old and sleeps a lot, and you have a super chill pet, Im not up to the task. It feels like a lot of just Use Your Words advice is setting people up for a shock when they realize that their coworkers or acquaintances are offput by it.
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